This blog, by Barbara Leeming, LMFT, highlights the power of reflection in healing stuck patterns of behavior. Exploring origins has long been a focus of my curiosity—whether in science, the humanities, or elsewhere. This inquisitiveness has served me well. However, it wasn’t until I began studying Buddhism and practicing meditation that I fully turned this curiosity inward.
Through Reflective Meditation, I began to observe how my mind works—my patterns of thought, many of them automatic. Occasionally, the origins of these patterns would surface. Recently, while meditating on a familiar, sometimes chronic, feeling of being burdened—“too much to do, too little time”—a question arose:
“Why, in my former marriage, did I not ask for help with the boys? Why didn’t I even propose that more hands-on co-parenting might benefit us both—giving me a break, and helping him develop a deeper relationship with his children?”
The superficial answer was, “I was a different person then.”
But then came a deeper insight, like a bolt of lightning:
Because I felt sorry for him.
Yes, I did. With that acknowledgment came a rush of sympathy—almost pity. I recognized this feeling from childhood: “Poor Mom, she does it all, so burdened, works so hard.” My mother never said this aloud; I sensed it from her labored breathing, her posture. I absorbed it.
Unconsciously, I carried this view into my marriage. It became a guiding motivator: “Poor Ex, he works so hard. I’ll shield him from the demands of family as much as possible.”
This unspoken perspective kept me silent for decades. It was a mostly unconscious—or semi-conscious—view of the person I was closest to, and emotionally dependent on.
Now, I feel great relief in uncovering this once-hidden driver—a coping strategy, a pattern that gave me purpose and helped me avoid having needs. I see it resurfacing with my disabled son. Despite his autism, I know he doesn’t need my pity. I trust that a clearer, more accurate view of him—and the life he is composing—will come, especially when I catch that old thought pattern, that contraction in my gut. I breathe and return to the present.
I now see this dynamic as a kind of empathy abuse—an overextension of care rooted in good intentions, but no longer appropriate. It became a self-created condition of my suffering.
An Afterthought after further reflection:
Some part of my ex-husband must have sensed that I felt sorry for him. That may have stirred his own suffering and, perhaps, even contempt. He could never fully articulate why he grew so desperate to end the marriage. But as I now own and release this hidden pattern, I better understand. I feel deep forgiveness and compassion—for both of us.
A response by Nelly Kaufer
That might sound a lot like a therapy session—hopefully a good one. But there’s an important difference: there’s no therapist, and no client or patient. This healing unfolded within the inner sanctum of meditation itself. Hopefully, there will be more “afterthoughts” because reflection often continues after important insights.
You might wonder, what does this have to do with Buddhism? At its heart, Buddhism is about reducing our emotional and mental suffering—and that’s exactly what happened in this meditation.
Barbara Leeming is a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. She has been practicing Reflective Meditation for about twenty years and is a member of the on-going therapist group as well as a weekly meditation group.
Nelly Kaufer is a licensed professional counselor and lead teacher at Pine Street Sangha